It was the opportunity I had been waiting for: a job that offered security, great benefits, a great “next step” in my career, all in a field that would give me a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart at the end of the day. It had been years that I had my eye on this County job. Years later in 2010 an opening posted. I applied and was selected to take the exam, which was the first step in the process. Eager to push my dream forward, I arrived to the designated test site. Disheartened doesn’t begin to describe my feeling when I walked into the auditorium and was one of more than 200 other test-takers. All for one job… Fierce competition, indeed. And competition was never one of my strong suits.
A year and a half later, when another job opening was announced, I was reminded of my odds and decided to pass. Why bother? The process was long, involved and left me with little hope of out-competing anyone else who made the list.
It was only when a friend of mine spotted it a week later and suggested I apply. More to do my “due diligence,” I half-heartedly agreed and in a focused flurry, I set to the daunting task of entering all my past work experience, references, home addresses, school information, and answered the supplemental questions in precise detail, before I finally got to the end and sent it off into the ether. I promptly returned to what I had been doing, and released any expectation I would have had for good news to the Universe.
A few weeks later I was on vacation when I received the email indicating I had been selected to interview for the job. It was completely unexpected. A wave of exhilaration and determination washed over me. In that moment, I resolved to do whatever it took to get that job. I had been gifted a seed a hope – my dream job was actually within reach!
In the days leading up to my interview, which was to be in front of a panel and followed by a written exam, I read, re-read, and re-re-read the job description. I picked it apart word by word and made certain that I would be able to connect the dots of my previous work history with what they were looking for in the ideal candidate.
On the morning of the interview, I was so intent on being on my “A” game, that there was no time for nervousness. I had eaten a solid breakfast, prepared all manner of paperwork to whip out at a moment’s notice, given myself plenty of time to get ready, and drawn up my list of questions that I hoped would demonstrate my critical thinking skills. I. Was. Focused.
Pulling into the parking lot 10 minutes early, I took a couple of deep, calming breaths, and took out my iPhone to which I had preloaded a particular YouTube video. It was all part of my master plan: arrive with enough time to watch a funny clip that would put me in a more open, relaxed, and joyful mood. One belly-laugh later, I was ready to set forth and give them my best.
What does any of this have to do with parenting and this blog? Let me just say, in my humble opinion—everything.
As new parents, we start out with hope. Hope that our children’s lives will be blessed with circumstances and opportunities better than our own. Sometimes, we get a bittersweet dose of reality with the realization that achieving those dreams actually takes a lot of work. And I don’t mean physical. I’m talking mental and emotional. It takes courage, perseverance, commitment, humility, integrity, pain, forgiveness, generosity, and—most importantly—the ability to remain flexible to look inward for the ability to claw your way out of a troubling emotional space. And there are waaayyy more of those spaces you find yourself in than you could have imagined before kids.
For those who have fixed endpoints (as most new parents who have idealistic visions of their kids’ futures do), not being flexible can result in disaster. Of course there are the obvious victims of war and oppression stemming from political and religious ideology. Such rigid viewpoints are behind so many senseless beatings, tortures, and deaths that happen to humanity. Those are often the situations that we can point to and say “that’s not me.” But then there are other more subtle infractions that can wither dreams, and they are insidious and just as harmful.
Think of all the children of Tiger Moms whose fear of failure leads to depression, and in some tragic cases, suicide. Think of all children who are not allowed to live their authentic lives who go on to become adults, estranged from and betrayed by the society that raised them.
I would hazard a generalization that these were children who were exposed to idealistic environments that were not—how shall we say—flexible.
If there is anything I have learned parenting a child who both breaks down the gender binary along with an alphabet soup of diagnoses, it is the hard-learned flexibility that has buoyed me through parenthood. Without it, or at least the capacity to learn it, I would have self-imploded long ago, much like a house landing on the Wicked Witch of the East, feet curling up and all.
So when I got the email from the County saying that I did not get the job, it was the openness and flexibility that my kids made me learn that enabled me to trust that not getting that job was exactly what needed to happen. Because five minutes after I got that email, I received a call from the HR department. Although I didn’t get that job, she said, there “may be another one coming up soon, but it doesn’t have benefits.” I took that as a sign. Keep an open mind. You never know what good things might happen.
Good things did then happen. I did get the “other” job, which two and a half months later turned into the full-time, full benefits job I had been hoping for. My dream job.
I owe it to my kids that I was able to confidently interview that day. Through them I have learned the importance of nurturing hope without smothering. I owe it to them that I was able to trust my intuition and go with the flow when at first it seemed like it was not going to pan out. Through them I have learned that your brain and your gut sometimes need to duke it out; and somehow, the gut is never wrong. I owe it to my kids that I was not devastated or disheartened when I first got news that I didn’t land my dream job like I had hoped. Through them I have learned patience and flexibility. I owe it to my kids that I had the courage to take a leap of faith and accept a job that provided no certainty. Through them I learned that no matter what happens, there is love that will get us through, and most of the time a prize awaits at the end of it all.
They have taught me through trial and error how to be more emotionally flexible. Without them, I would never have learned how important laughter can be in letting go of ideas and things that I thought were important but really… just weren’t.
Parenting may kill brain cells; but with any luck the ones that are left are finely honed. As sleep-deprived, stressed out, hopeless, confused, fired up, and despondent as I have been over the last 10 years of parenthood, I can still say without an ounce of hesitation that I am the luckiest mom in the Universe to have the kids that I do.
They have shed truth on the saying that “the more I know, the less I understand.” And in fully embracing that, I have come to enjoy this journey and all the mysteries, surprises, pitfalls, and accomplishments along the way.